Halo: A Look At The Idiot Behind The Master Chief
by x-the-phantom-writer-x
Summary: A funny story I wrote a year or so ago about Halo!


Halo: The untold story 

Everyone knows the story of Microsoft's hugely popular game _Halo_, an alien race is trying to destroy all human life in the year 2552, they're fueled by religious hate, etc. etc.

But do we all really know what happened to The Master Chief while on the alien ring, Halo?

I doubt it, so using all my resources available, (playing the game a billion times) I've decided to document what happened on Halo.

I should also mention that I wrote this story almost a year ago, and have improved my grammar and writing styles since then, so if the continuity seems a bit choppy, bear with me.

The Pillar of Autumn 

Opening scene. Earth battle cruiser is fleeing alien warship. Captain Keyes is talking with shipboard AI Cortana.

Keyes: So, Cortana, you free tonight?

Cortana: What?

Keyes: Are you free tonight?

Cortana: Sir, I'm the holographic image of a computer program, I'm just a computer program with a body so good, it could put a super-model to shame.

Keyes… Is that a "No"?

Cortana: Aren't we supposed to be talking about the Covenant warship coming to kill us?

Keyes: I guess so…

Cortana: Good, now at their rate of approach, plus our distance away from them… Cortana rambles on with technical crap that not even a math geek could understand.

Cortana… That means that they'll be here in, oh, two seconds.

Keyes: HOLY CRAP, HERE THEY ARE!

Cortana: The Covenant?! Here?!?!

Keyes: No, no, no. I just found my bottle top collection!

First Mate: Sir, the Covenant are here!

Keyes: Who are you?

First Mate: The First Mate sir…

Keyes: First Mate, huh? I don't remember marrying you…

First Mate: No sir, it's my title, I'm not married to you.

Keyes: That's what my wife said just the other day…

Cortana: Boys, can we PLEASE get back on subject?

Keyes: Oh yeah, the Covenant… Cortana, awaken the Master Chief!

Camera cuts to chamber filled with pods, one of which has the green armored Master Chief.

Me: By the way, when did we get a camera?

Pod opens, Master Chief emerges.

Techie: Sir, how do you feel?

Master Chief: I feel fine.

Techie: Are you sure? No sleep sickness?

Master Chief: None.

Techie: All your gear functioning OK?

Master Chief: Yes.

Techie: Breathing normal? Heart rate normal? Blood pressure normal?

Master Chief: Look, is there some point to this?

Techie: How about your stomach? Want some food? Me and Jimmy have some nachos… MC cherry kicks Techie across room and through door.

Cortana: Master Chief, are you awake?

MC: Yes.

Cortana: Good, now come to the Bridge, ASAP.

MC: Why?

Cortana: Because, the Captain needs to speak with you.

MC: Is this about the shaving cream incident?

Cortana: Shaving cream?

MC: Oh, never mind, you'll see.

Cortana: Ok… Just come to the bridge.

The MC heads to the bridge. He stops along the way to laugh at some Techie's shooting sissy pistols at alien's twice their size.

Marine: Sir, the Captain needs you on the Bridge, ASAP!

MC: What's "ASAP" mean?

Marine: Sir, we don't have time for this!

MC: Sure we do, because I'm not going anywhere until you tell me what ASAP means.

Marine: As Soon As Possible, ok. Now can we go?!

MC: I don't like your attitude…

Marine: OH BLAST IT ALL!!!

The Marine proceeds to shoot of the MC's head, along with kill the rest of the crew, all by himself, and with only one clip of ammo.

The MC respawns.

Marine: Sir, the Captain needs you on the Bridge, ASAP!

MC: What's "ASAP" mean?

Marine: Not again! Look you idiot, just come to the bridge!

MC: Fine.

The MC follows the psychopathic Marine to the Bridge, only to find Cap. Keyes having a conversation with fellow captain, Cap. Crunch.

Keyes: So why is it called Captain Crunch Cereal, anyways?

Crunch: Because they named it after me.

Keyes: Why would they do that? Couldn't they just name it "Captain's cereal?"

Crunch: Sure, but that wouldn't be as good as it is now.

Keyes: How would you know?

Crunch: Do you ever shut up and do your job?

Keyes: I do more of a job than you do!

Cortana: Sir, the MC is here!

Keyes: Ah! Yes, MC, your timing is… ill-advised, shall we say?

MC: Why is that?  
Keyes: Well, you see, I'm in a very important meeting with a fellow Captain right now.

MC: You're talking to a box of Captain Crunch.

Keyes: THAT'S NOT THE POINT! The point is that I'm busy.

MC: Fine, let the Covenant kill you, I don't care.

The MC leaves the bridge and walks towards the mess hall when he sees 3 little Grunt covenant.

Grunt #1: THE DEMON IS HERE!

Grunt #2: RUUUN!!!

Grunt #3: CAN'T RUN WITH THING ON BACK!

MC: What is wrong with you guys?

Grunt: THE DEMON HERE!

MC: THERE'S A DEMON!? RUN!!!!

The MC runs full speed towards the kitchen, shouting "CAN'T. RUN. WITH. THING. ON BACK!"

The MC reaches the kitchen, a pistol mysteriously in his hands, and 3 dead grunts behind him.

Marine: Hey, mate! That was awesome! How'd you do that?

MC: Do what?

Marine: There was this big demon thing, kinda like the Balrog from LOTR, but only green and metallic, and you ran towards me, picked up a pistol, and the demon killed the grunts! How did you do that?

MC: Uh.. Well you see…

At that moment a HUGE amount of Elites and Grunts walk in, and start shooting.

The MC, and some Marine's start emptying their bullets into the Covenant, and the aliens start draining their battery life on their guns on shooting the humans.

Amidst all the noise, a lot of people die, a lot of screaming goes on and there was reports that Metallica played partway through the battle.

During the battle, people heard someone shouting something so shocking both sides stopped shooting.

The following is what they heard: 

MC: OH YEAH BABY! YOU KNOW HOW I LIKE IT! DON'T STOP BABY!

Everyone stands there in shock, for the MC is laying there on the ground, rolling around with an Assault Rifle, humping away.

Elite: Oh. My. God.

Marine: What is he DOING?!

The MC realizes everyone has been watching him, and gets up, sheepishly grins and walks away, leaving everyone in shock. 

The MC fights his way through the level… I mean, ship, when he sees a guy lying on the ground rolling around saying "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!"

The MC picks him up to throw in an escape pod.

Of course, the door is closed, but his head breaks through, cutting his head off, and the pod takes of, yanking his body along with it, the Marine screaming the whole time.

MC: Right, well, I guess I'll just jump out!

Cortana: But you'll die!

MC: Nonsense! If I can do it in the second one, I can do it here!

Cortana: But, the lack of oxygen and other vital…. Wait, YOU SAW A PREVIEW FOR HALO 2?

MC: Dude, I played the first level!

Cortana: REALLY!? Is it as awesome as the trailer looks?!

I got bored at this part, and they're on the escape pod.

Pilot: Hang on boys; this is going to get bumpy!

The pod hit such bad turbulence that her head went through the roof, and into outer-space.

The pod crashed, and somehow 10 Marines died, yet the MC wasn't hurt…

_The Really Frikkin Long Chapter._

Cortana: Look, there's a bridge, we should cross it, and get to safety before the Covenant can find us.

MC: BS, we should stay here and fight!  
Cortana: No, we should hide.

MC: No, we should fight!

Towlie: Whatever you do, don't forget to bring a towel!

So, the MC decides to cross the bridge, after his dear friend, Towlie, advised him on what to do: bring a towel.

MC: Wow, that's a really far drop… I wonder what would happen if I were to spit off the edge…

At that moment, an Elite comes up behind the MC, and pushes him off the edge.

MC: Hey… Why is the ground getting so close? And why are those sharp rocks getting bigger? And why do I feel like I'm missing out on something?

NARRATORS NOTE I feel the following might seriously offend small animals, and people with small stomachs, not to mention woodchucks.

The MC hit the ground and died. The game then reset from where he was before he died.

MC: Hey… Why is the ground getting so close? And why are those sharp rocks getting bigger? And why do I feel like I'm missing out on something?

NARRATORS NOTE I feel the following might seriously offend small animals, and people with small stomachs, not to mention woodchucks.

The MC hit the ground and died. The game then reset from where he was before he died.

This went on several times before the programmers realized their error, and put the MC back on the bridge.

The MC ran across the bridge to hide from his impending doom.

He hid behind some bushes, and thought to himself "They'll never find me here"

Bush: That's what I said when Katrina hit, and they found me anyways.

MC: President Bush!?!?

Bush: No, idiot, I'm the bush. Not the president. I'm George W. Bush reincarnated.

MC: I guess God has a sense of humor…

Bush: God had nothing to do with this, this was all…. FAULTY INTELLIGENCE! Listen, come with me, and I can teach you the ways of life, you can learn everything I know, and then some. Who knows, maybe you can go on a rampage one day and kill people!

At this point the Bush noticed that he was on fire, and the MC was already at that big temple thing, the Covenant far behind him, and a startling point in the story is now over.

Marine: HELP US, MC! HELP US FIGHT THE…

Marine #2: Hey, what are you doing with that axe?

MC: HERE'S JOHNNY!

Covenant: Hey, aren't you supposed to kill us?

MC: YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT YOUR TURN MISTER!

Slowly, the realization that 200 Elite Covenant warriors are standing behind him, the MC screams.

MC: Screams

Covenant: Hey, do that again

MC: screams

The Covenant and the MC proceed to put on a metal show that Halo has never seen before.

The MC was on vocals, An Elite was on guitar, a grunt on Bass, a Hunter on drums and another Elite on guitars.

The MC, though, hatched an evil plan, and sang a song that put all the Covenant to sleep, he then killed them.

MC: sings Jiiiigalyyy Puff, Jiggalyyy Puff. Jiiiigalyyy Puff, Jiggalyyy Puff.

Pilot: MC, is that you?

Cortana: THANK GOD YOU CAME! QUICK! GIVE US YOUR WARTHOG!

The pilot dropped off her warthog, and the MC jumped in the driver's seat.

MC: Quick, Cortana! Get in the gunners seat!

Cortana: Sir, I can't, I'm an AI.

MC: Right, we'll have to improvise.

Note don't try this at home.

The MC taped the trigger in the on position, and drove around in a lot of circles.

Cortana: This cave formation isn't natural; it's almost as if someone designed this place…

MC: NO! YA THINK?! What else would explain a 234-trillion ton space station in the middle of no-where?

The MC and Cortana reach a large gap in the road, passable only if they activate the bridge.

MC: How will we…

Gun: BANGBANGBANG

MC: How will we…

Gun: bangbangbang

MC: WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT?!

Gun: Sorry, but we just got married…

MC: Oh… My… God… That is nasty…

So, the MC decides to jump the bridge.

Of course, he forgot to try to jump it in the warthog, so he fell to his doom, but the Fairy Princess of Elendoria saved him.

So, he tried again, and made it, but he left Cortana in the Warthog's Radio.

MC: Oh well, she wasn't that great of a kisser anyways.

So, the MC walked, and walked, and walked, and sometimes, we would stop and rest, but most of the time he walked.

Even when he walked through that brood of vipers, he walked.

Then I realized his wiring was messed up, and he walked off a cliff.

So, he got a new Warthog, and drove it to get the Marine's from the hilltop.

Marine: Oh thank God you're here!  
MC: gets on knees Dear Lord, I thank you that I made it here all right, and I pray I make it through the rest of the game without dying.

Marine: What was that?

MC: WHO THE FRAK ARE YOU?!

Marine: I'm a Marine…

MC: NO! YOU'RE A SPY! I'M SURROUNDED BY SPIES! I'VE GOT TO KILL THEM ALL!

So, the MC killed one of them by slapping him so hard, he cried and ran home. He punched the other one so hard, well let's just say he died.

And then he shot the rest.

And now, he went to get the other Marine's, but realized he would have to go on the edge of a cliff, then climb 50 feet underground, so he just threw a bunch of grenades down the hole, and they all died.

Covenant: Hey, that was cool; think you could show us how to do that?

MC: Sure, you just hold 50 grenades at once; pull the pins all at once and throw them.

Covenant: they do as they're told But, before we throw them, could you hold them while we all tie our shoes?

MC: Sure

The Covenant then run to a galaxy far, far away.

MC: I'm gonna die, aren't I?

Narrator: Consider yourself screwed.

MC: Crap.

The MC was blown up, and not even his molecules could be found.

Even the molenotsocools couldn't find him.

The MC was given several months to get himself back together, and it also gave the Narrator plenty of time to think of ways to transition to the next chapter.

_I Forget What This Level Is Called…_

After a very inconspicuous escape, the MC rejoins wit the other Marines as they are about to be dropped by a Pelican to their next destination…

The MC and the Marines land on the ground, and the MC pulls out his super-sized sniper rifle.

Marine: Hey mate, be careful with that thing, it's pretty dangerous.

MC: Shut up, I know what I'm doing!

The Master Chief accidentally pulls the trigger and hits an Elite in the head. The bullet goes through him, travels 1.7 miles and then goes through 3 grunts, takes a left turn at Albuquerque and finally stops.

Marine: Holy Crap! How did you do that!?

MC: Do what?

Marine: You just shot an Elite and 3 grunts through the head without even looking!

MC: I did?

Marine: yes you did! Tell me how you did it!

MC: Did what?  
Marine: Come on, you know what! That thing where you shot the Elite and all the grunts with one bullet at a range of almost 2 miles!

MC: I did that!?  
Marine: Yes! That's what I've been trying to tell you!

MC: Well why didn't you just say that?!

Marine: I did!

MC: Did what?

At this point, the Marine and myself became very annoyed with the Master Chief, and pushed him off a cliff, and then beat this level and got on with the damn game.


End file.
